*sorry this is an emo post

So this past weekend I was home. Then I went to Ontario/Rancho Cucamonga for District Board meeting. I've realized something this past weekend. I am a very emotional person. I'm not sure when it started but almost anything can make me tear up. There is this sadness in me that lingers. I can't get rid of it and there is nothing I can do about it. I guess it's the thought of the future that is fast approaching that scares me. I don't like change. Nope, not one bit at all. I remember when I first moved to Berkeley. I cried for a month. I cried all the way up and continued to cry. Then every time I went home and then left again, I always felt this knot in my throat as I tried to hold back the tears. After 4 years, it's better now. But as we head into our last semester of college, I can't help but be sad and sentimental. Cheriz wrote a song this weekend about our time in Circle K. I couldn't help but tear up at the beauty of the lyrics and her voice. It is very rare to hear her sing and then combined with the lyrics, tears just kept flowing. I know that some people are staying in norcal and some will be in socal. I just hope that people still keep in touch. I am really bad at keeping in touch. I don't like to call people, yet I like to hear what they have been doing etc. I guess what I am really scared of is losing friends due to not seeing them all the time/living far away/or simply because we were never that good of friends to begin with and it's too much trouble to keep in touch. Sounds horrible but it happens. Acquaintances that you meet and say hi to just because you see them all the time...but I know nothing about them and they know nothing about me. Whenever I go to Circle K meetings/events I feel that way. Like I know people's names but that is pretty much it. I guess I find it hard to strike a conversation when I know ultimately that we will never be good friends. Is it because I am too closed? I don't really like to share stuff about my personal life. I'm not sure what it is but I don't know 1 person that knows everything about me. (dont be offended if you read this post..there are people who I share my thoughts/ideas/feeling with but just not everything...I guess different people know different parts of me) It's weird how I can't say what I want to say yet I want to. Like I can listen to someone else for hours and give opinion/advice/comments but rarely do I reciporcate that open honesty. I have been trying to be more conversational due to the pubic speaking class I am taking. But the only thing is..as people are talking to me all I do is listen. I never have the urge to share anything about myself. I mean the important things that I am thinking. I want to have that connection that I see in other people.

I guess this is something I must work on..but is it too late? I sure hope not.

PS: I have been having strange dreams.